In my head

Sometimes I wished that I could have a different life. Right now I feel like everything is out of control. I feel like I am driving a car blind folded and I am spinning out of control. I hate this wall that I have built up with the rest of society. I am always anxious, I can't trust people easily, I have problems opening up to anyone, I am frighten of being the center of attention or put on the spot. I feel like I have lost myself or maybe it is because I have never even found myself to begin with. I am in the state of confusion about everything that is happening to me.

I started to go to a school psychologist about a week ago on monday( I think it's a good first step) . I am not sure if it is helpful. The thing I do know, it is scary. Scary to trust someone who is a stranger, to keep your secrets - secrets. Things that you are the most ashamed of about yourself, you have to tell this stranger hoping that you can be saved, you can be hope and that they will not judge you. The hardest part for me, is that I have to say it all out loud. I think that it is the hardest part because 1. someone is actually listening (and jotting these notes down on their notepad, god knows what they are saying ) 2. you are saying things out loud and hence making them true, real and touchable.

I am also currently looking for a lab to work (it's not actual work, but it is more so of a course that you need a professor's note of approval). I have probably wrote over 10 emails, to professors who are conducting labs, that I am interested in but have only received one reply (from a professor who is not currently researching but will accept independent research proposals, in which he will supervise in). Hopefully I will receive more replies before the spring semester.

I feel drained. I feel hopeless. I feel helpless. I am manic.

Right now I am actually taking a short break to write this, since I have to read two chapters of organic chemistry and study for the quiz, catch up on my cell biology and read articles for my bibliography project.

I feel like I have lost my sense of direction. I think I need to buy a compass.

XO hanh

PS I am seeing the psychologist at 9am tomorrow and I am scared >_<

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will of course frantically try to clamber out. But if you place it gently in a pot of tepid water and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot bath, and before long, with a smile on its face, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death.

—Version of the story from Daniel Quinn's The Story of B

Anxiety Attack

Mood: nervous

Around thursday night last week I got my first anxiety attack . Everything that happened to me, was going on so fast that I was scared. I've been having anxiety all of my life but I never really knew what the word anxiety meant or what its symptoms are. I don't know why but one day I decided to look it up and I realized that I've always had it but I just didn't know what it was and why i was feeing this way.

When I had the attack it was because I found out that someone who is close to me lied to me again. This person has being lying to me for a while now. It is always so disappointing when I find out and it's always been lies after lies. Whenever I would think that everything is fine now and it is all calm, I would find out about a past lie. It really hurts every time I find out . And every lie I find out about, I can never let go of it. I would always hold on to it and whenever I am laying in bed at night or when I am upset, these lies would arise and I would think about them and get angry. I would get angry for not addressing them over time and at the person who lied to me. Till this day I still could not understand why they would lie to me. It is almost impossible to not have a wall and trust them. I feel like every time a lie appears a layer of my wall builds. I hate it when people tell you that they love you and that you mean everything to them, but they would do things that they know would hurt you [whether is it intentionally or unintentionally] they do it anyways. How can someone say they love you and care about you when they would do these things and know of the consequences? I think it just means that they true don't care at all and that their own happiness and satisfaction is of the only importance.

Anyhow , back to the actual attack. Usually when I get anxiety they last for a while. They would bother me but never anything that would actually physically hurt me. I would get chest pains occasionally , but most of the time I would feel a lot of pressure on my chest and it would also be slightly hard for me to breathe. Sometime times, i would get headaches and have a very hard time concentrating on homework or what not.

This time getting the anxiety attack is about 100 times worst compared to my normal anxiety. I felt like i was suffocating [like a drowning feeling just before you are no longer able to hold your breathe]. My body was just shaking uncontrollably, I could not even stand up or do anything. I tried to take a lot of deep breathes to calm myself down. I was literally gasping for air. I had this horrible headache and a lot of pain and pressure on my chest. I felt sick and it was all happening so quickly at once. It took me about a half an hour to an hour to keep myself under control.

Has this ever happened to anyone before? and what can you do about it, to make it better?

Hello

Yes Yes I know my blogging is always depressing lol. Anyhow there's more where that came from LOL. I am sick! =( Both my Bf and sister are sick, they double teamed it on me so now I'm sick. I am extra crabby and get agitated easily =(. I have a sore throat and the worst time is at night or when I first wake up. It is very painful but luckly I have my spiffy Halls strawberry cough drops with me . I have a whole bag for my backpack since tomorrow is the first full day of school where I will be sick. I don't want to be crabbier than I already am . Hopefully I will get over this soon. I heard somewhere that there's an estimation that a HUGE number of people will get swine flu this up coming flu season! SO GET YOUR SHOTS! lol . Don't say I didn't warn you. Anyhow back to the studies .

xo

Romantic Comedies

You know what I hate? Romantic comedies. I hate watching movies with other people and their relationships because it is so unrealistic. They always end up happily ever after, and we all know that in real life that is never the case.

I guess it's more like being envious than hating. I'm jealous that they get their happily ever after. Watching these movies make me miss all of the good memories that I have had. It sucks to see all of these happy couples when you can't be one of them.

xo

Wonderland.

Sometimes, I wish I can just run away from the pressures of life and go down my own rabbit hole. But I'm sure life can never be that easy or convenient.

So for now I can just dream ...

xo

Past. Present. Relationships

My boyfriend and I met when we were in high school. He was a junior and I was a sophomore . Now, I'm not claiming that our relationship was perfect because it wasn't but high school never influenced our relationship in a negative way. Now that it is my last year of college and he is going back to college, college seems to have this negative impact on our relationship. I'm not sure why it does but it is really upsetting me. What is the difference between high school and college? They are both schools right? So why would college cause so much harm in our relationship?

And could it really be this or is it just the fact that people change? Do you ever feel like when you look at someone you are in love with and sometimes wonder ..who are you? Even though you've been with them for so long you feel like you barely even know them at all? You don't know what they are thinking, what they will do or will not do?

It's like the trust and foundation in your relationship has totally vanished ... and there is just nothing holding you up at all.

xo